You know, one of the first lessons I had to learn in all of this was to be content with myself. I've said "I'm content with my life," in the past and this was probably, at least in part, true. In retrospect, being perfectly honest, I think I was experiencing a moment of contentment, which is quite different from actually being comfortable with who I am, with my flawed past, with my current imperfections and truly allowing myself to believe I deserve the future I want. Does that make sense? I hope so. I mean, it certainly does in my mind but I'm never quite sure how my thoughts are perceived when others read them. Assuming anyone ever does read this besides me, I mean!
So how's my lesson in contentment going? Really well, actually! I mean, I still struggle with things like, "why wasn't I responsible enough to manage the money I made when I was younger?" or "why didn't I like myself enough to just stay single instead of hopping in bed with every guy who made me feel like I'd earned his attention?" and even, "does every perimenopausal woman bleed as much as I do during her period?" TMI, I know. I also worry about my waistline (or lack thereof) and whether or not the originator of the "I see you like your chin so much you decided to grow another one" group had someone like me in mind. But really, those are just incidental little side thoughts these days and not the all-consuming things they used to be.
Can I tell you a secret? I used to be terrified of people. That everyone was judging me and that I had "FAIL" stamped across my forehead in neon. You know what's funny? I've noticed some people - not all! - in my "old life," still treat me that way. Kind of condescendingly. And, in the past, that's all it would have taken to shatter any remote feeling of confidence I had. But now? Mmmmmnotsomuch! I might have that initial flash in the pit of my stomach but when it happens, I stop, take a breath, take in the feeling of insecurity, recognising its source immediately and then let it go. Sometimes it takes a few minutes but I let. it. GO. And it works! You know, the old saying really is true. I can't change other people but I can certainly change how I react to them - and, for me, actually putting that saying to practice has made all the difference. I'm becoming a big believer in the Law of Attraction. More on that later...
I want to mention the way my day started today. Now, suffice it to say that, by no stretch of the imagination, am I a morning person. I'm not. But today, as I was leaving for work, the sun was rising waaaaaaay in the distance over Lake Michigan. The sky above me was a breathtaking sapphire blue - almost surreal! - with just a few tiny stars lingering in the sky. The lake reflected a similar shade and then, off in the horizon, both the sky and the water met the deep coral sunrise, the sky blending beautifully, the lake drawing a straight line. As I boarded the L-train, the driver, a honey-voiced black man who goes by "Operator 813" announced that he would be our "chauffeur du jour" today. The connecting bus following my train ride waited for me and, as I was preparing to step down onto the pavement after I'd reached my destination, he actually said (I swear it), "Toodle-oo!" I walked up the block to the doors of my job and had to laugh inwardly as I listened to birds chirping all around me.
Honestly, with a beginning like that, how can I expect anything less than greatness?
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