How did you come to the knowledge that you have about relationships and how they're supposed to work? Do you believe in love at first sight? Fairy tale endings? Do you think all relationships are doomed to fail eventually? Do you think anyone is ever truly happy with the partner choice he or she made? What frightens you? What holds people back?
Me? I've always been an "all or nothing" girl when it comes to relationships. If I truly love someone, I'm all in and nothing will hold me back. I used to believe in love at first sight but I don't any more. In fact, I think the world has it wrong about the definition of love. I don't think you can love someone at first sight; it's just not possible. You can want them so much that your heart aches to be with them. You can be attracted to them. You can dream about growing old together. But love - the real deal; true love - I believe can only grow with time. Weathering a few storms together, getting through something difficult together. Truly experiencing each other's flaws, things you don't even really like about each other... and wanting to be together anyway.
I don't think all relationships are doomed to failure; but I do think that most of us have some preconceived notion about what "happily ever after" means. I think we expect the Cinderella story and are heartbroken when we discover over and over again that life isn't like that. And yet we jump right back in and try again. Over and over and over, never learning. You know what I think? I do believe in happily ever after endings but I think we have to write our own fairy tales complete with monsters and conflicts. And I think we have to write our own, workable endings; be willing to live our fairy tales unscripted and then be ready to adjust when the story line veers off the path we designed.
I am in love with a man who is going through a depression. He isn't always depressed. He wasn't depressed when we first met. But ooh, what a journey. He goes into what I call his "dragon cave" and can't resurface again until he's ready. In short, it's a little crazy making to be in love with someone who's struggling with depression. People even sometimes say "that person has no right to be in a relationship if he can't even manage life by himself right now." What? Just because he's struggling, I should end it? That's ridiculous. But it's not easy, you know? When he hides in his cave for one, I miss my best friend, my love, desperately. I try not to write about it too much because I don't want anyone to think that I dwell on it more than I should. Do I overthink his depression? Sometimes. A little. I'd give almost anything to make it better.
I think I'm just feeling a little melancholy tonight. Thing is, I'm moderately pretty. People tell me often. And whether or not I'm pretty isn't an issue. I'm funny. And intellingent. And desirable.
And desired.
Which makes me teary sometimes. It's flattering to be desired, I guess. But something about it makes me teary when the words I'm hearing are coming from the wrong lips. Does that make sense? Someone I met recently - a television producer - tells me often that he wants to take me out to dinner to court me. That I just "do it" for him, etc. which is certainly not a terrible thing to hear. But all I think is, "this is lovely but I love my Marc so much! God, I miss him... I hope he resurfaces soon." And he will, I know. But I hate waiting. Just hate it.
Anyway, enough of that! I think I'm just really tired... it's going to be an easy week (which is good after a busy weekend with Bekah being here)! Off to bed for now... I have so much more I want to say but I'm so sleepy! Good night, whoever you are - I'll be back tomorrow!
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