Post 53 - It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

My mother and I. Phew, there's an epic novel in those four words! We've had ups and we've had downs - what do you expect when you have two, brilliant, head-strong women - one highly assertive (my mother) and one outwardly passive but inwardly assertive (me) - in one, small family?

You know, there's been lots of big drama in my extended family (really, who can't say the very same, right? I propose an amendment to thesauruses everywhere. Families = drama). So much so that several years ago, I made the painful choice to love my family from a very big physical and emotional distance. And I pointed a great, big finger of blame at others. I think, as time goes by, I'm maturing and I'm finally, finally beginning to see my family through the eyes of a wise woman instead of those of a scared kid. I wish I'd matured on this a little sooner but I guess things happen when they're supposed to happen and not a minute sooner.

I heard from my mom last Friday. It was in response to blog post 51. All she said was this:

"I always knew you were a phenomenal girl/woman. Just never knew how to convey that to you : ( "

and in that instant, I realized how bewildered my mother, at only 18, must have been trying to raise me. With an IQ of 165, I was much more than just a handful. That woman had to coax me from the roof of a 2-story building when I was 15 months old (I'd somehow managed to climb up to and out of the open skylight above me when I was supposed to have been napping). She had to entertain me after I'd taught myself to read with books and a Scrabble board at age 3. And I don't know how she ever got any sleep - I certainly never slept more than three hours at a stretch (a life long habit that's still with me). I was an accomplished flautist by age 15 and then, a few short years later, a teen parent. And that's barely even giving a passing nod to the tip of the iceberg - as someone recently observed, my life has been quite the after school special. My God, how that woman didn't end up in a psych ward is beyond me.

Anyway.

My point is this. I finally understand that she was just a human doing the best she could to raise a very energetic baby who grew into an incredibly precocious little girl who then grew into a scared-to-death teenager who thought everyone was "only being nice - they don't really mean it" when they fawned over her talents... who then became an unbelievably insecure young woman who blamed all of the world's injustices on everyone around her while she jumped from one emotionally abusive relationship to another...

...who is now the (slightly wiser) woman before you, finally seeing the world and the people in her life with open eyes and an open heart. I've got a lot more growing to do but I can finally say with confidence that I have come a long way. And I love my mom, flaws and all. Just as I know she loves me in spite of mine.

Post 52 - Rough day but muddling along

It's Saturday and, even though I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry this morning while hiding from the world, I got up and went to Zumba. And yes, as usual, I'm glad I went. For one hour, I fill my mind with music and movement and, for that one hour, everything else just sort of disappears. Would you believe today was actually the day that I *didn't* look at the clock more than I *did?* True story. I also stuck around for the ab lab class afterward. My abs felt like they were on fire. At one point, I thought, "I don't want to do this - I can't do it!!!" but then another voice in my head said, "FIGHT IT - DON'T GIVE UP" so I did. I got angry and (inwardly) a little tearful and I kept going.

This is one of my favourite songs we dance to - it's called Galactic Blues by Don Omar and it is HOT! Hope you like it, too :)




I did title this post "rough day but muddling along" for a reason. The fact is, I'm having another difficult day. I miss Marc more and more with each passing day. Not knowing whether or not he's alright is so scary. I finally pulled out the big guns and contacted someone for help today. If everything's okay, Marc will probably be pretty unhappy but I think he'll understand as well. I try really hard to be low-key about his depression but when he's gone this long without contacting me, I have to do whatever it takes to make sure he's safe. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'd much rather have him be alive and angry with me than the alternative, you know?

Well let's see. I've exercised, tidied my tiny little apartment and taken the dog for a walk. I really don't want to go to the German festival but maybe, after a nap and a shower, I'll go head out for a little live band karaoke. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just stay in tonight and watch a couple of movies.

Anyway, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you're having an amazing weekend.

Love to you all,

Kelley

Post 51 - I'm going through one of those, "when life hands you lemons, screw the water and sugar; where's the freakin' vodka?" phases

*sigh*

Okay, so clearly, I've been away from my blogging promise for entirely too long. I've really been contemplating how to approach this overdue entry. I think I'm going to stray from my upbeat and fun norm and just lay it on the line. Here's what's going on:

My boyfriend - the guy I love more than life - is dealing with depression. Heavy duty depression. And since we're muddling through a long-distance relationship, there are unique challenges. When he goes into his dark stages, I call it "hiding in his dragon cave." These cave-dwelling phases can last anywhere from a few days to several weeks. Some days, I feel like I'm in an ultimate endurance competition. Currently, he's been "in hiding" for seven weeks - this is a new record and I can't begin to describe the things that go through my mind: Has he changed his mind and just can't bring himself to tell me? (unlikely) Has he met someone new? (equally unlikely - he's an extremely straightforward guy) Is he in a coma somewhere? Or worse, has he decided to end it all and no one's discovered his body? Is he still caving? Did he not pay his internet bill and he no longer has internet access? If so, why the HELL hasn't he found a way to contact me? Add to that the complication that he's isolated himself from local family and friends (not uncommon for people suffering from depression). I have no one to contact to make sure he's safe. Talk about terrifying. I haven't heard from him since 25 July. Each day that passes by without word is like a tiny little death.

My only options are to wait it out or throw in the towel. Of course, I'll wait but you wouldn't believe how many people have said "move on." I just don't understand that. I need support - I need to feel like I have friends in my corner, you know? - and I do NOT need people to tell me to give up and walk away. Anyone who knows me ought to know by now that there is NO WAY I'll give up on someone I love. That's just not my nature. It never has been and it absolutely never will be. I love Marc more than life and I refuse to give up on him or on us. He needs to see a doctor. Depressed people do not tend to take the initiative in making that first, important move toward help. He is also gripped by the social stigma that is so prevalent in Germany about seeing a therapist. It's simply not done there. Unless one is willing to be branded as "loony" for life. Doing this all in a long distance relationship is exhausting. I am so ready for him to get here to the USA. Currently, I'm checking out a few support groups for partners of people who are dealing with depression. And I do have a few friends who have been in Marc's shoes - hearing their perspectives has been immensely helpful. So a shout-out of gratitude to Caroline, Pat, and Kathy for their help.... guys, I don't know what I'd do without your insight and support : )

Here's a link to help you understand what we're going through:
Suffering In Silence: When Your Spouse Is Depressed

And here's an excerpt from the above link that sums up how I feel:

"Marriage and commitment are for better or worse. Depression is definitely one of the “worse.” It can be trying to maintain one’s own optimism and joy in life when someone you love is under a constant cloud. But with good treatment, encouragement, and caring, most depressed people do recover. With good support, most spouses break through the silence and make it as well."

For better or for worse, I'm in. And that's not negotiable.

On a positive note, I'm still exercising and it's really starting to show. Work is thriving so Zumba's a little hit and miss due to conflicting schedules but, even on days when I can't get to class, I still make sure I get in at least five miles of walking. In fact, last Saturday, I actually walked almost 10 miles in one day! Sweet, huh?

I do still grouse about some of the "jumping" dances in Zumba. And yes, I still watch the clock, although, if you've been following along from the beginning days, you'll be happy to hear that, this past Wednesday, I actually went almost 15 minutes before sneaking a look at the clock (true story). And would you believe that when I finally did, Christa (Dance Spa Owner, Christa South) caught it and called me out on it???? *glare of indignation* Here's how it went down:

Me: (sneaking look at clock 10 minutes before class is over)
Christa: (shouting over the music) "I saw you look at the clock, Kelley!!!"
Me: (under breath: damn it; I thought I was in stealth mode) "Hahaha! You saw nothing!"
Christa: "Ha!"
Me: (sheepish grin) "Ugh, okay, okay! You caught me!"

And, of course, I'm glad I went. Christa practically had to drag my listless ass to class herself but I did feel better and less sad about missing my beloved "dragon cavedweller" after I'd jumped around and hyperventilated to latin music for an hour.

Also, work is going very well. I love my client families more and more each day, plus I'm networking like crazy. I've also taken on a side project that I am REALLY excited about: my friend, Caroline, happens to be the most amazing pastry chef I've ever met and she's starting her own business, Coo Coo Confections. She has this eye for detail that is absolutely unreal - click here to check out her hand painted butter cookies. Seriously - she creates designs for and hand paints her cookies but here's the crazy thing. You know how most bakeries that do custom cookies usually have really pretty cookies that taste... okay? Or pretty good? Or bleah-but-hey-they're-pretty? Caroline spent hoursandhoursandhoursandhours and then more hours perfecting her blend of cookie and frosting flavours so that her cookies actually taste even better than they look. And that's saying a LOT. Because her cookies look almost too pretty to eat. Look at these cookies she made for my friends and me "just because" last weekend:





Aren't they beautiful? Like I said, they taste even better than they look!! But here's the thing. She also does unbelievable, mouth-watering chocolate chip cookies. And brownies. And cakes. And and and... the list goes on. And yes, I *know* my blog is about losing weight, getting fit, and staying healthy. But I truly believe you can enjoy the decadent goodies (like Caroline's amazing cookies) in moderation. I had one cookie. Just one. And it was enough to send me to heaven for the day! (PS - I don't think Caroline has set up her online store yet but she ships orders nationwide. just sayin'. You can probably contact her via the link I provided; if that doesn't work, let me know....................................and you're welcome in advance because, believe me, you'll thank me when you try her goodies.)

Alright, I guess I've updated you enough for now. I hope you are well. I've missed you all. And thank you to those of you who've written or stopped me when you've seen me to ask why I haven't given an update. Now you know. Yes, I'm okay (mostly). Just a little blue because I miss my dragon man very, very much. He'll be back and, when he is, I'll be my usual self again, I promise. : )

My love to you all,

Kelley