Post 53 - It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

My mother and I. Phew, there's an epic novel in those four words! We've had ups and we've had downs - what do you expect when you have two, brilliant, head-strong women - one highly assertive (my mother) and one outwardly passive but inwardly assertive (me) - in one, small family?

You know, there's been lots of big drama in my extended family (really, who can't say the very same, right? I propose an amendment to thesauruses everywhere. Families = drama). So much so that several years ago, I made the painful choice to love my family from a very big physical and emotional distance. And I pointed a great, big finger of blame at others. I think, as time goes by, I'm maturing and I'm finally, finally beginning to see my family through the eyes of a wise woman instead of those of a scared kid. I wish I'd matured on this a little sooner but I guess things happen when they're supposed to happen and not a minute sooner.

I heard from my mom last Friday. It was in response to blog post 51. All she said was this:

"I always knew you were a phenomenal girl/woman. Just never knew how to convey that to you : ( "

and in that instant, I realized how bewildered my mother, at only 18, must have been trying to raise me. With an IQ of 165, I was much more than just a handful. That woman had to coax me from the roof of a 2-story building when I was 15 months old (I'd somehow managed to climb up to and out of the open skylight above me when I was supposed to have been napping). She had to entertain me after I'd taught myself to read with books and a Scrabble board at age 3. And I don't know how she ever got any sleep - I certainly never slept more than three hours at a stretch (a life long habit that's still with me). I was an accomplished flautist by age 15 and then, a few short years later, a teen parent. And that's barely even giving a passing nod to the tip of the iceberg - as someone recently observed, my life has been quite the after school special. My God, how that woman didn't end up in a psych ward is beyond me.

Anyway.

My point is this. I finally understand that she was just a human doing the best she could to raise a very energetic baby who grew into an incredibly precocious little girl who then grew into a scared-to-death teenager who thought everyone was "only being nice - they don't really mean it" when they fawned over her talents... who then became an unbelievably insecure young woman who blamed all of the world's injustices on everyone around her while she jumped from one emotionally abusive relationship to another...

...who is now the (slightly wiser) woman before you, finally seeing the world and the people in her life with open eyes and an open heart. I've got a lot more growing to do but I can finally say with confidence that I have come a long way. And I love my mom, flaws and all. Just as I know she loves me in spite of mine.