Post 35 - He's Here, He's Here, He's Here!

...and I am over the moon!

Okay, so what's the skinny? Gosh, where to begin? Thursday morning, I went to work and was practically useless; I felt terrible because I love my job and I love to do wonderful things for my families but I couldn't help it - once I found the flight tracker online, I probably checked the little moving airplane on the map every 30 minutes! So, when I was on the L-train on my way to work, it was like "ooooh, he's half way over the Atlantic!" By Stella's snack time, "ohhhh, he's over Nova Scotia now!!" and then when she went down for her nap, "omg, he's flying over New Jersey!" His plane to Chicago departed from Atlanta at 3pm central time and I was so nervous about him making the connecting flight that I actually called Delta to make sure he actually made it ON the plane. Thankfully, the girl on the other end was compassionate enough to assure me that yes, he was on the plane and it was taxi-ing down the runway about to take off at that very moment. WOOOO!

By 5pm, he'd arrived in Chicago and at 5:15, I met my dragon man face to face for the first time. To say that we were both overwhelmed is an understatement! Add to that, Marc's fascination with a city like Chicago along with a heavy dose of jet lag and he was just speechless. We took the L-train home and I kind of let him look around at everything while we talked (and grinned a LOT) quietly. Once we got home, he dropped his bags, took me in his arms and that, boys and girls, was THAT.

Since then, we have slipped right into life together. To be honest, it's EXACTLY as I thought it would be. Only better somehow. We complement each other well (not a surprise to me at all) and our personalities are definitely well-suited to each other. I think we've both been alone long enough, too, that we truly appreciate - well, not just the kissing and the romance but the companionship, know what I mean? It's just really, really nice to have someone to wake up and enjoy a cup of coffee with in the morning. Add to that, holding hands, inside jokes, sharing meals and having talks about everything under the sun... I am in heaven!

Post 34 - ~squeeeee!~

Okay, so Kelley! Why haven't you written? Right? I know, I know... but I've been BUSY! And I never really know if anyone reads this thing anyway (except Leah, bless her!). But here's what I've been up to:

My Marc is currently en route to the USA via the Duesseldorf Airport and AirFrance. WOOOOO! I'm pretty darned excited! In just 18 hours, I will finally, finally, FINALLY know what it feels like to hold hands and hug my dragon man in person. Gosh, that's mind boggling. I've also been singing. Wanna listen? Sure you do. Here's my song I sang and dedicated to Marc in a contest I entered. It's pretty good, actually!



Phew. Tomorrow's going to be a pretty big day. Okay, not pretty big. Freaking huge! :) I'm so ready for this. Nervous, too! I mean *looks furtively around* I haven't had sex in more than two years! But that's not the main thing. I am meeting my future. He would have been worth the wait if I'd done it "the right way." Thank goodness, my God is a God of multiple chances. I am so grateful for what I have now, it takes my breath away. And yet, my feet are firmly on the ground. It's one of the things I love most about Marc. He says he puts me on a pedestal, yes, but that he keeps his hands firmly around my waist so I won't fall. He worries about his... you know... guy over 40 things. I tell him I will kiss his receding hairline when I see him. And his soft belly. I worry about the fact that I didn't lose 50 lbs before he got here. He tells me he loves every pound of me. *smile* I am excited, yes, but mostly.... I am content.

There's more news to share but I'm so exhausted and tomorrow is a big, big day! So off to sleep for me - good night, whoever you are. I hope your Thursday is amazing.

Post 33 - Glass Half Empty? Glass Half Full!

Okay, so here I am once again with another excuse about not writing. That's the bad news. The good news is... even though I'm not doing it every day, I am still maintaining this blog, which is totally a first for me! So as far as my ambitious goal of a daily entry? So far, a fail. But on the subject of my goal of actually keeping this thing going consistently, epic win! That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

*firm nod of head*

So what's up in my little neck of the virtual woods? Everything, as usual. First off, Marc will be here in precisely six days, 20 hours and 36 minutes as I write this sentence. But who's counting? I am SO excited! And nervous! Not about meeting him face to face - that I am purely ready for, plain and simple! But he's been having internet problems and communicating without him having internet access is very hairy! I'm hoping and praying he'll be back online before next Thursday so we can finalise our plans but, if we don't talk, I'll just show up at the airport and cross my fingers. Ugh, I don't like not having a highly organized plan (with a Plan B and Plan C firmly in place) but I'll live. *grumbly sigh*

On the work front, I'm getting some requests to write blog content. For pay. Wheee! This is good news! I like writing. I like money. I like making money while writing. See? It's a beautiful thing! The day job is going well, too. I love the family that I work for and the itty bitty one that I care for is just too stinking cute. She's just discovered walking (a few steps here, a few steps there... a LOT of faceplants along the way so it's bruise city for her) and has great fun showing everyone how clever she is by wobbling from the couch to the table and back again. Good times for sure! It's been too rainy to get outside though so we've been cooped up indoors. Boo! Hiss! As my friend, Mia, said: Dear Mother Nature, why are you hating on us so much? We want to get outside and enjoy all you have to offer so ease up on the rain and cold a little, kthxbai!

Ooo. And here's news: my room mate's moving back in. Pardon my language but dammit! Ugh. Okay, so she owns the place (details! whatever!) but she's lived in it all of one month in the last 8 that I've been here and the last I'd heard, she wasn't coming back so I'd been getting kinda comfy. And *whispers* she's got issues. So I gotsta go... I can't stay around that kind of drama; I refuse to fill my life with bad vibes any more, you know? I just... won't do it. Which means I am now apartment hunting again. I've got several folks looking for me and trying to pull some strings for me so we'll see what shakes out. In the meantime, though, I'm just not worrying about it. The right place will turn up at the right time. The real estate agent might have a new condo for me to help out with, too, so ... I'll keep you posted as things develop.

For some reason, I am completely wiped out so I'm going to bed in a moment. I just... whew, 6 days and some change. Wow, this is really happening! :) :)) :))) :D

Post 32 - Not So Random Thoughts

Marc is supposed to arrive in 15 days. I haven't heard from him in... 8 days now. What a weird spot to be in. But I've been thinking about a few things. First, I know that man loves me. I know he's struggling with his depression and I know he feels like a butt for caving and not letting me know he's alive and kicking (good. he should feel like one because he's being one!). I am just ready for him to get here. I hate the caving thing. I can't fix it and make it all better. And I know that my successes don't make him feel any better about his current failures. But I wish I could make him see that the success I'm experiencing right now is due to very hard work that's coming on the heels of my very own dark period in life. There's no judgment here; not from me and not from ANYONE who matters to us!

Success. Failure. Those two terms are so freaking subjective, you know?? Marc was successful by society's definition before he reached where he's at right now. He lived in a sleek apartment with his long-term girlfriend; he drove a hot motorcycle and she had the sexy coupe. Their best friend was a famous stand-up comedian in Germany. They had it all by society's definition. But so freaken what? I mean, it's pretty easy to be the big man when you're on top of the world. Show me a man who stands tall and looks the world straight in the eyes even when he has nothing and I'll show you a truly big man. That is my hope for him; that he not only gets it but that he embraces it. I think it is then that he'll see what he's made of. I won't do it for him. I just won't. But I believe in him. Call me a fool, I really don't care. I know him and I know I've chosen well.

This is a totally different subject but you know what's really been my big WTF gripe lately? Hypocrital Christians. Don't get me wrong. I am a Christian. But I am so sick of Christians who have nothing better to do than to judge people, condemning this one, chastising that one. I almost never see these people actually out spending time with non-Christians.

"Ohhh, no no no no no, can't do that! We might get questioned about our faith! Someone might actually disagree with us and give us an argument we don't know how to refute! Nope, nope... I think I'll sit riiiiight over here with my friends who are just like me. We can all hide away from the rest of the world, tell each other how Godly we are and feel good about ourselves while we thank Him that we're saved! Unlike those heathens. What? Try to relate to them? I mean, well, I DO! How? Hm. What? Spend time socialising with them and getting to know them? Well, I've invited them to church - it's not MY fault that they don't come!"

Seriously people. Get a clue. If you really want to be like Jesus, get your butts out in the world and be the freaking salt of the earth like He told you to! As far as I know, salt is a flavour enhancer. And here's a little hint: have you ever put too much salt on food before? It tastes horrible. The same applies to shoving your faith down people's throats. It's nauseating and no one wants it. Remember that if you really and truly want to win souls for Christ's kingdom. My favourite saying is this: "Preach the Gospel always; words not required." Get it? You'll do more good for Christianity by walking the walk than with words any day.

Alright, rant officially over. I'm actually in a pretty good mood but I had to get that off my chest - it's been bothering me for some time now and I just... needed to say it. Ending this entry now so I can go practice my next song for this karaoke contest I'm doing. Tonight's number is called "Three Cigarettes In An Ashtray." It's another one I've never heard before - should be interesting; I'll let you know how it goes!

Post 31 - Karaoke-ing Helps!

I wouldn't exactly call myself a karaoke addict or anything but I have to admit, the distraction helps keep me from freaking out over Marc's absence! Tonight, I chatted with a new friend that I sang a duet with. A duet! Online! How cool is that? The new friend's name is Ken and he lives in Sheffield. Yeah, England. If you really know me this won't be much of a surprise hahaha! Most of my closest friends (other than the amazing ones I grew up with and a few phenomenal friends & family members I've discovered over the years), are from western Europe and, of that group, the majority are from the UK. Though one of my dearest friends in the world (and my sister at heart) lives in France and my dearest guy friend (not boyfriend) is in the Netherlands.

Anyway, I was jibber-jabbering away with Mr. Sheffield (he's a former funeral director turned cop who likes to sing karaoke - don't EVEN get me started on the endless jokes I could make about that! hahahahaha!), passing the time after singing a duet with him, which was fun. After we said our good byes, I rediscovered an old online karaoke buddy from about 3 or 4 years ago and sang a few duets with him. One was really, really sweet and the other was... well... we had fun with it and I think the sound of my dog barking followed by me forgetting a line and then doing that quick "oh no!!" recover thing just added a little something special...

Click here to listen to the bad (but funny) recording...


*facepalms*

So. Marc? *shrug and a grin* I love him like crazy but, as I said a few weeks ago, guess what? I LOVE ME TOO AND I'M NOT GONNA SIT AROUND MOPING!! Shoot, life's too short; I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can while I'm here! :D

Post 30 - A Little Stress Relief

The wait continues. I try to keep busy so I won't think about it - not always easy but I find ways. Tonight's stress reliever: singing. Man, I don't know what it is about music but my whole attitude can change with the right song. I entered an online karaoke contest called "Elvis Vs. Patsy." Initially, everyone submitted either an Elvis Presley song or a Patsy Cline song of their own choosing to qualify for the contest. From there, a Team Elvis and a Team Patsy were formed. I love me some Patsy Cline so it goes without saying where I ended up. Our first challenge was actually really fun! The entire Team (E or P) has to sing the same song. All of the Patsies (haha) are singing "Imagine That." Now... I have sung a few Patsy songs in my life but I've never even heard of that one sooooo.... thank you, Lord, for YouTube. I did a search, gave it three or four listens and here's what I came up with:

Me Singing Patsy Cline's "Imagine That."
(no really - it's me singing, haha!)


So yeah, I'm still missing Marc. I'm still feeling like crap because I have no idea what the HELL is going on and why he suddenly disappeared... but I'm okay. I mean, this isn't due to anything I've done wrong so there's no "why me" or "how could I have made this not happen" stuff going on in my head. This is his stuff to work through. Meanwhile, I'm just taking care of me, spending time on the phone with my kids, taking the dog for walks, meeting people in the neighborhood and doing this goofy online karaoke thing to keep busy. It's all good. I just... you know. Miss him and hope he extracts his head from his butt very, very soon.

Post 29 - A sigh and an explanation

Right, so here we are once again. I believe I promised I'd write a post the very next day and...................................................... once again, I didn't. Why? *sigh* Because I'm sad and, while I have an endless inner dialogue when I'm sad, I don't (generally) like to put it out in written word. Why? Because oftentimes people - meaning well, I know - offer unsolicited advice. Which I hate.

So why am I sad? Because I think I may have been gullible once again. Marc. My boyfriend of 14 months and 11 days. He's supposed to be here in two weeks and four days. I should be over the moon with excitement. And I was. But then he went offline on Tuesday without a word and I've not heard anything from him in five days. This is .... good grief, I've lost count of the times he's gone "caving" because he "can't face the world." And it's bullshit. Pardon my language - I do not like to swear - but seriously, dude. If you love me like you say you do... if you care at all.... get your head out of your ass and go see a fucking doctor. You have free healthcare and this "I don't want to be a loser who has to see a shrink" song and dance is getting old. Losers aren't the people who go see doctors when things aren't right. Losers are the people who refuse to go see a doctor after their mental health clearly isn't getting better.

I should be so freaking excited that this man I've known for THREE YEARS and whom I have called my boyfriend for more than a year and I are finally meeting in person but you know what? I'm not excited. I'm scared to death that I'm going to get excited, that I'm going to believe he's coming, that I'll show up at the airport for his flight.... and that he won't be on the plane. There. I said it. So I can't get excited. Because I do NOT want to get hurt and because clearly, if I'm going to keep that from happening, I'll have to turn inward and take care of myself since I'm not going to get that support from anyone or anywhere else.

This is why I haven't written. I don't want to hear some bullshit about trusting the Lord. Don't get me wrong. I believe in Jesus; always have, always will. But you know what? He doesn't hold me and tell me it's going to be alright when I feel hurt. And I don't want to hear my so-called self-actualized friends with their crap lines about moving on. I just. Don't. Want. To hear it. You know? And I sure as hell do NOT want to hear advice about choices I should be making. I've heard it all a million times and, frankly, I'm sick of hearing it.

I saw a movie today with George Clooney called "Up In The Air." He's this single guy who has the job of flying all around the country and firing people whose bosses don't have the balls to do it themselves. He spends more than 300 days a year traveling and he's so happy being unattached that he actually gives seminars on th4e subject of being free and unburdened. At one point, I was ready to kick myself for watching this stupid movie. George had gone home for his sister's wedding. A few weeks earlier during one of his many hotel stays, he'd met this woman who also traveled for work - she seemed to be his perfect match. Confident, relaxed... they had an easy chemistry from the start. Well. After they met while crossing paths several additional times, he invited her to his sister's wedding. She agreed to join him and they had a wonderful, sweet time. At that point, I was ready to turn the movie off and scream. For some reason, I kept watching. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. After the weekend, they parted ways and, as she was boarding her plane, she told him "call me if you ever get lonely." A few days later, he decides he can't stand it - he's tired of being alone and this girl is worth walking away from the life he's known. So he books a flight to his girlfriend's city and surprises her at her front door one night. As she opens the door, several children run past and a man's voice from inside says, "honey? who's at the door?" Yep, she's married. George leaves immediately and you see the emotions play across his face as he steels himself against the pain of having let his guard down enough to let someone in, thinking for one moment that maybe, just maybe, a life shared with someone special to love could be his destiny after all.

I feel like that right now. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to be the girl bracing herself after finding out that this person she let in isn't the person she thought after all. I don't want to believe that. But these constant disappearances.... I don't know what to think any more. I mean, my God. He's supposed to be here in just over two weeks and he's offline AGAIN. He won't answer the phone if I call so I won't bother.

So. I guess, in 18 days, I'll have some answers. I've waited more than a year so I can wait a little longer. I am hoping and praying that just once in my life, this will be it. But just in case I've been duped, I'm steeling myself. Heartbreak hurts and, if that's the path Marc's leading me down, I don't want to feel it when I get there. Not at all.