Right, so here we are once again. I believe I promised I'd write a post the very next day and...................................................... once again, I didn't. Why? *sigh* Because I'm sad and, while I have an endless inner dialogue when I'm sad, I don't (generally) like to put it out in written word. Why? Because oftentimes people - meaning well, I know - offer unsolicited advice. Which I hate.
So why am I sad? Because I think I may have been gullible once again. Marc. My boyfriend of 14 months and 11 days. He's supposed to be here in two weeks and four days. I should be over the moon with excitement. And I was. But then he went offline on Tuesday without a word and I've not heard anything from him in five days. This is .... good grief, I've lost count of the times he's gone "caving" because he "can't face the world." And it's bullshit. Pardon my language - I do not like to swear - but seriously, dude. If you love me like you say you do... if you care at all.... get your head out of your ass and go see a fucking doctor. You have free healthcare and this "I don't want to be a loser who has to see a shrink" song and dance is getting old. Losers aren't the people who go see doctors when things aren't right. Losers are the people who refuse to go see a doctor after their mental health clearly isn't getting better.
I should be so freaking excited that this man I've known for THREE YEARS and whom I have called my boyfriend for more than a year and I are finally meeting in person but you know what? I'm not excited. I'm scared to death that I'm going to get excited, that I'm going to believe he's coming, that I'll show up at the airport for his flight.... and that he won't be on the plane. There. I said it. So I can't get excited. Because I do NOT want to get hurt and because clearly, if I'm going to keep that from happening, I'll have to turn inward and take care of myself since I'm not going to get that support from anyone or anywhere else.
This is why I haven't written. I don't want to hear some bullshit about trusting the Lord. Don't get me wrong. I believe in Jesus; always have, always will. But you know what? He doesn't hold me and tell me it's going to be alright when I feel hurt. And I don't want to hear my so-called self-actualized friends with their crap lines about moving on. I just. Don't. Want. To hear it. You know? And I sure as hell do NOT want to hear advice about choices I should be making. I've heard it all a million times and, frankly, I'm sick of hearing it.
I saw a movie today with George Clooney called "Up In The Air." He's this single guy who has the job of flying all around the country and firing people whose bosses don't have the balls to do it themselves. He spends more than 300 days a year traveling and he's so happy being unattached that he actually gives seminars on th4e subject of being free and unburdened. At one point, I was ready to kick myself for watching this stupid movie. George had gone home for his sister's wedding. A few weeks earlier during one of his many hotel stays, he'd met this woman who also traveled for work - she seemed to be his perfect match. Confident, relaxed... they had an easy chemistry from the start. Well. After they met while crossing paths several additional times, he invited her to his sister's wedding. She agreed to join him and they had a wonderful, sweet time. At that point, I was ready to turn the movie off and scream. For some reason, I kept watching. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. After the weekend, they parted ways and, as she was boarding her plane, she told him "call me if you ever get lonely." A few days later, he decides he can't stand it - he's tired of being alone and this girl is worth walking away from the life he's known. So he books a flight to his girlfriend's city and surprises her at her front door one night. As she opens the door, several children run past and a man's voice from inside says, "honey? who's at the door?" Yep, she's married. George leaves immediately and you see the emotions play across his face as he steels himself against the pain of having let his guard down enough to let someone in, thinking for one moment that maybe, just maybe, a life shared with someone special to love could be his destiny after all.
I feel like that right now. I don't want that to be me. I don't want to be the girl bracing herself after finding out that this person she let in isn't the person she thought after all. I don't want to believe that. But these constant disappearances.... I don't know what to think any more. I mean, my God. He's supposed to be here in just over two weeks and he's offline AGAIN. He won't answer the phone if I call so I won't bother.
So. I guess, in 18 days, I'll have some answers. I've waited more than a year so I can wait a little longer. I am hoping and praying that just once in my life, this will be it. But just in case I've been duped, I'm steeling myself. Heartbreak hurts and, if that's the path Marc's leading me down, I don't want to feel it when I get there. Not at all.
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