Day 3.5 - I can't sleep

Okay. So it's 2:00am as I sit down to write. Why? I can't sleep. Why? Because I know exactly why I need to keep at this blog. It's true that I'm committing to writing in this thing every day for precisely one year in order to, for once in my life, stick to it. But there's more to it than that. Remember that quote I wrote the other day about not looking in the rear view mirror because it makes no difference what's behind you? Well, I posted that as my status update on Facebook and an old, childhood acquaintance responded with this:

"if u dont look back now and then, u are bound to repeat
the same stupid mistakes u made before..."

I see his point. That said, while this blog is mostly going to be about looking and moving forward, I'll occasionally give the rear view mirror a quick check for a little perspective.

Alright. So who exactly am I? The truth is, I'm a formerly completely screwed-up, basically nice girl with an occasional mean streak who had nearly ruined her life until very recently. I'm a mother of five. My kids' ages range from 25 down to 12 (I started early). None of my kids live with me. My second and third children don't talk to me. I love them all fiercely and miss them every, single day of my life. I have three ex-husbands. Well. Two ex-husbands and one husband who left me almost three years ago after taking nearly everything I owned, selling it or trashing it and moving back to his home country, England. He depleted my savings account and left me with nearly $20,000 in debt before making his exit.

Shortly after he left me, I moved to Chicago, hoping for my big do-over in life. Suffice it to say that when I got here, I fell flat on my face. I'd been hired for a fabulous new job making more money than I'd ever made in my life. Three weeks later (less than a week after I signed the lease on and moved into my new apartment and less than a week before Christmas), I was let go from the fabulous new job. Having no savings to fall back on, I invited my best friend to come live with me. She'd recently lost her job and I thought, if the two of us put our heads together and combined our resources, we could make it work. What I didn't know was that my so-called best friend was another sponge I invited into my world (stupid, stupid, stupid me!) and a slob to boot. I, who couldn't even afford to pay my own rent, was now paying rent for two and had become an unpaid house maid to boot. So I did what any "sane" person would do. I put an ad on Craig's List and found another room mate. Can I say it again? Stupid, stupid, stupid me! I had some misgivings about my new room mate (she claimed to be a "garbologist") but she came with cash in hand (which I desperately needed) so I agreed to let her move into the third bedroom. Unfortunately, that cash in hand she gave me? It was the last cash she ever gave me. *sigh* It took me several months to get both of my room mates out of my apartment and, by then, I myself got evicted. It was NOT a pretty time and I spent much of it terrified and in tears with a knot in my stomach that I thought would never go away. I spent the next year room surfing wherever I could by searching Craig's List for people who would let me stay with them for a few weeks and pay what I could with odd babysitting jobs. I ate a LOT of ramen noodles. A. LOT.

I'm skipping some of the details for now - I'm not sure they're really relevant - but you get the idea. I'd also, during marriage #2, gained significant weight. When I was younger, I was a very promising musician - a classically trained flautist - but I burned out and walked away from it. I received a university scholarship - but I got pregnant as a teenager and walked away again. I passed interviews and aptitude tests to become a programmer for the company I worked for but I didn't study and bombed out of the coursework. I'm estranged from my parents and my brother (not all bad, truth be told - I love them but they're toxic; however, I do miss them a lot sometimes). My precious sister died of breast cancer during my room surfing days, which especially sucked because I couldn't afford a plane ticket to Texas so I could kiss her good bye.

I have literally screwed up nearly every facet of my life before now. Until a year ago, I spent a lifetime telling myself I was a failure. Never pretty enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not elegant enough, not tough enough, rich enough, smart enough, talented enough, educated enough. Enough, enough, enough? ENOUGH! Enough.

So! There you have the negatives. Now it's time to look at the positives:

Here is who I am: I AM pretty enough. I'm not tall but so what? I'm not thin and, yes, I do need to lose some weight but I could be a whole lot worse than I am. I'm actually fairly elegant when I want to be but, more important, I'm gracious and warm and authentic. Not tough enough? Seriously?? What a load of shit! I'm actually one of the toughest people I've ever met! I'm smart, talented, funny and I'm learning to be accountable for myself. It's really not as hard as I thought it might be. AND. I'm determined to be rich one day, as well. No, I don't place it at the top of my list but I've learned that I actually do know how to budget my money and I do have a strong work ethic.

I found steady work. It's not what you might consider a C-Level executive job (insert slight eye rolling and quiet chuckle here) but it suits me very nicely. I became a career nanny and house manager. Turns out I'm brilliant at it and I'm quickly becoming highly sought after. How's that for cool, hm? It's not going to bring me in millions of dollars but I have a feeling I'm going to make a pretty good dent if I keep right on going! I have two long-time friends who are going to mentor me financially as I continue to learn to stand on my own, two feet.

A home? Well now, this is interesting. The thing is, I don't really have one yet. But that's not to say that I'm typing from under the freeway somewhere with my things in a hefty bag either. I began taking care of condos for people while they're away or trying to sell them. I currently stay in a charming, furnished two bedroom condo on Lake Michigan for approximately 1/3 the rent I paid for that first apartment when I moved to Chicago. I'm looking at the lake (it's my back yard) from the bay window as I write. Pretty cool, huh? My long-time companion - my dog, Jillian, is curled up next to me on the sofa, snoring blissfully. She did something today that I've never, ever seen her do before. I took her for a walk to the nearest dog park and she actually played - leaping and scampering - with another dog. Did I mention that before in my previous post? I might have. It was an absolute thrill to see. I'll be staying in this condo until it sells. It's mutually beneficial for me and for the owner. I pay a reduced rent rate and the owner has the assurance of knowing that she has a quiet person who pays her rent on time and who will take good care of the home while it's on the market. Also, I think having my rent to help offset the house payment is a big help, too. Once this place is sold, the real estate agent will have a new place for me to move to. I'm told it's not easy finding tenants like me. How about that? :)

As for my kids, I'm steadily letting them know that I love them with all my heart. I'm very close with my oldest and with my youngest. My 15 year old and I are drawing closer with each day. It's one of those two steps forward, one step back things but, hey, she IS 15 and I think that's part of how it works, being the mom of a teenaged daughter. As I told her when she was telling me about all of the things I "never" do for her: "I'm here and willing to be as much a part of your life as you're willing to let me be." And that's something I will always offer. I still have my two shooting stars - my 19 and 20 year olds - who are hurtling around the solar system far away from me. I miss them more than I even know how to put into words but I truly believe that they'll come flying back into my orbit one of these days. I do.

Last but most certainly not least, I've met someone. Correction. About a year ago, an old internet friend and I began to see each other with new eyes. His name is Marc and he's from Germany. He drives me absolutely insane some days and I have a sneaking suspicion he can easily say the same about me. Oh hell, who am I kidding? Of course he can and does! What's important though is that we're good for each other. One of the really great things about having an internet relationship - a long term one, anyway - is that you're forced to go slow. You really just can't rush things past a certain point. So as our relationship grows, our friendship grows, too. There's really no other way to do it successfully in a long distance relationship, you know?

We think we may have finally found "the one" in each other. Time will tell for certain but we've got a pretty strong hunch. I've got a LOT of shit to take care of though. A LOT. I'll make a to-do list tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that. But right now, it's nearly 3am in Chicago (good God, I've been writing nonstop for nearly an hour??) and I need to get back to sleep, now that my brain's not quite so full of thoughts. Thanks, whoever you are, for listening. G'night!